Hi. In this post I’ll be talking about my ego death experience from this past month and how it changed my career trajectory and my outlook on the concept of having a “career” as a whole.

I’ve been pursuing music as a career for years now, but it’s never totally worked out. I’ve spent so many hours researching how to grow a social media following, the best strategies for releasing music, and so much more. I’ve tried “grinding” and “hustling,” and after a couple of weeks (or less), I would just totally give up on it.

My body knows that I cannot survive in hustle culture (hence the giving up), but I thought that I needed to approach a career single-mindedly in this way to be “successful.”

Now I’m at a place where I don’t even think about the concept of a career, and instead just live doing what I want in every moment.

My mindset shift started when I took a step back from making music. I was feeling so resistant to streaming, making music, and editing videos. So I took a break and spent some time in contemplation, sitting in silence and listening. It wasn’t as peaceful as it sounds, though. No, it never is. I was struggling hard.

After a couple of days, there was a moment where I fully let go and surrendered. I was alone in the car on the way to get dinner, and I said, “I don’t know what to do. I give up.” In that moment ,I realized that I needed to give up music.

I broke down crying. I thought to myself, “all these years of practicing production, songwriting, and multiple instruments, all for it to get thrown in the trash? Was this really all for nothing?”

Although it was hard, I knew I had to give up the idea of pursuing music, or even engaging with music at all for the time being, in order for me to approach it differently in the future, if it was meant to come back into my life at all.

I just knew I couldn’t be pursuing music in the same way that I always had. And I didn’t know what a different way looked like at the time. There were a lot of unknowns.

I did know one thing, though. It was that I had a passion for the mystical. I had been studying psychology, philosophy, and digging into the nature of reality for years undercover. I did have a few conversations about these things with people over the years, but I mostly kept it hidden.

So around the same time I was letting go of music, I was also feeling a strong call to finally share this spiritual perspective and journey online. I thought to myself that it was finally time for me to “come out” as an energy worker. I’ve known that I’m a healer and can work with subtle energy fields, so I thought that maybe I was being called to go into a different career, one that felt more aligned, but that I was afraid to follow before.

So here I was. Transitioning from one career to another, still thinking about life in a career-driven way, although still making progress by facing my fears. But still. The career thing had to go, as you’ll read next.

A few more days into pursuing this energy healer identity and career direction, I had a very strong moment that signified the beginning of an ego death. I was talking with my sister about how I felt responsible for people, and she hit me with, “Why does it have to be you?”

This triggered a realization that I felt I was the only one who could be there for others. I? No, my ego. I was seeing that my ego thought it was so important that if I left people, they wouldn’t be ok without me. This is obviously not true, but the ego likes to perpetuate itself by making itself seem important in this kind of way.

This realization was just the trigger to a more complete ego-death situation. I was seeing how my ego had been forming out of my need to feel like a whole and complete person, and I was doing this by trying to attach myself to singular identities. If I could just identify myself as a musician, then maybe I could know my place in the world. If I could just identify myself as an energy worker, then maybe I could fit in with a community of people and feel like I belong. If I could just identify myself as an artist, then maybe I’ll finally think well of myself… and on, and on, and on. I felt that having a solid identity would solve my uncomfortable state of being and heal the parts of me that felt incomplete. Instead, these identities were just bandages.

Because of all of this, my career wasn’t just shifting to another career anymore- the idea of even having a career at all was melting. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing anymore. My ego was holding onto the pride and safety of having these career identities – be it a healer, a musician, a teacher, etc., but I let it all go. I let it all die with the wind. I wasn’t anything anymore. I was only the void of being alive.

This gave me profound freedom to live in the moment and do whatever I wanted to do. Every day, in each quiet moment, I would ask myself: “What do I feel like doing right now?” And I still do that now. Sometimes it means filming a video. Sometimes it means editing a song. Sometimes it means writing a blog post like this one. Instead of thinking about “being something-” an artist, a writer, a musician- and doing whatever I think that kind of person would or should do, I just sit back and laugh and let it go. Because I just am. And I just do what feels good in the moment, no matter where it takes me.

I wish this kind of freedom for anyone who resonates with my story and feels pulled to live life in this way. If you are happy being and doing one thing, then that’s great. This message isn’t for you. But if you are trying to be one thing and pursue one thing and you are feeling frustration and resistance from it… then go against societal conditioning by releasing the need to be any one thing and instead just do what lights your heart up in the moment. Trust in who you are. You’re pulled to do so many different things because that’s who you’re supposed to be. So go live that life already!

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If you want me to expand on any concepts that I talk about in this post, or have any other questions, let me know in the comments below. 🙂

Last night I had a vivid dream that I was outside at night in what looked like a European city with a friend. They handed me a cigarette, I took it, and I smoked it. I have never smoked a cigarette in my waking life, and never plan to, especially after this dream. But for some reason, I decided to take a puff.

I didn’t notice too much of an effect from it. It made me feel slightly more relaxed, but that’s it. I gave it back to my friend, she took a few more puffs, and handed it back to me. I decided to take a bigger puff to try to feel more of an effect from it. I breathed it in, held it in my lungs for a while, and breathed out. As soon as I breathed out, I felt absolutely horrible. I felt the stinging of the nasty cigarette smoke in my lungs and throat, and felt choked from it as well. I was struggling to breathe and was also fighting the stinging and smell that I could feel seeping into my lungs and throat. This is what woke me up from this dream.

I woke up realizing I was holding my breath, and I gasped for air. I viscerally felt how horrible smoking felt in my body, even after waking up. Although this probably seems like a PSA telling you to “stop smoking,” that’s actually not what this is about. I just reacted this way in my dream because I hate the smell of cigarettes. If you’re into it, then by all means. Go ahead. Haha.

What this PSA is actually about is breathing. Feeling the choke and smelling the smoke in my dream was a direct correlation to the fact that I wasn’t breathing well in my sleep.

I’ve had problems taking deep breaths for a while because of stress and anxiety. My chest and stomach have felt tight, which has restricted my ability to fully breathe. I’m able to get moments of relaxation and breathe deeply, but most of the time I’m only at half (or even less) capacity.

I’ve felt that this has been a problem, but this dream really made it clear to me how much of a problem it really is. After I woke up, came to my senses, and felt into the dream I had, I got an intuitive download that not breathing well- unintentionally holding your breath and shallow breathing- has the same intensity of negative health effects as smoking cigarettes.

So PSA- breathe well.

Some breath tips I’ve learned from others and from experience:

• Breathe from your belly/diaphragm. Not just your chest. Kinda hard to do when your chest and stomach are tight from anxiety, I know. Just keep focusing on relaxing. You’re free and safe enough to relax. 🙂
• Always breathe in through your nose. Breathing in through your mouth can cause your body to go into panic mode. You can breathe out from your nose or mouth, though.
• Breathing out from your mouth symbolizes releasing energy that you don’t want to hold on to. I use this during meditations.
• Breathing out from your mouth instead of your nose is also more effective for circulating large amounts of energy faster, which I use during energy healing/clearing sessions.
• Breathing in for a shorter amount of time than breathing out is very relaxing. The longer the breaths, the more relaxing as well.

You can try these out and see if they work for you. If not, never force anything. You’ll know what’s for you by getting in touch with your own body and seeing what feels good.

But yeah, in conclusion, make sure you’re breathing well so you don’t end up smoking a foreign substance and choking to death in your dreams.😂 Alright, talk to ya later.

My left shoulder/upper chest has this one spot that will give me sharp pain consistently throughout the day. This has been going on for months. I didn’t physically hurt it at all, so I know it’s due to stuck emotional energy.

Today I decided to do some reiki on my shoulder, especially around the area of sharp pain.

While I was holding my hand over the area, I breathed into it and asked why it was there.

It said, “Don’t give.”

Well, that doesn’t make sense, I thought.

Giving is part of the flow of life; you give and receive to create harmony and flow in the world.

I couldn’t think about it too much, though, because I was still concentrated on healing and releasing the tension. But focusing on this was working.

After I had released enough and felt into the relaxation, I felt into what my shoulder was saying some more.

My pain was saying that I give way too much of myself to other people, even when they don’t ask for it.

I recognize someone’s pain and try to console them by fitting in as perfectly as I can into their world.

I try to be everything they need so their own world feels complete, at the expense of who I am and how I want to live my life.

My mind will go so far as to give up my dreams, hobbies, time, energy, emotions… literally my whole being just to try to make someone else feel ok.

Yea, it’s pretty extreme. And toxic. I mean, they don’t even ask for it anyway! And even if they did, I’m devaluing and undermining my own self, my own being, my soul, and personality by giving it all away to someone else like that.

Luckily, I haven’t given into that inclination too much recently since I’ve been getting to know myself and valuing who I am a lot more. But I still go far enough to feel the heavy weight and pain of it.

Pain in the body translates very literally. If you feel weight or pain in your shoulders and/or upper back, it’s because you’re carrying something that’s not yours to carry.

I’ve been carrying others’ emotions on my shoulders and back for a very long time. The pain has travelled around my body as I’ve healed this, from areas in my upper back to my left shoulder and upper chest.

If I want the pain to totally disappear, I have to completely let go of this unreasonable responsibility for other people’s emotions.

When will I do this? I’ll keep you updated.

But for now, just know that you are not responsible for others. At all. Emotionally, physically, monetarily, etc. (Unless you’re a mother or father of a kid, obviously. Haha.)

Like, really.

Let that sink in. I’ll try to too.

Like, seriously. It’s called minding your own business.

Forreal.

Lift the weight off your shoulders and back.

Or in Erykah Badu\’s words, \”Pack Light.\”

<3