I had a dream. I was kind of in the middle of nowhere, in this white, hazy area, just floating in space, I suppose, and I met a spirit guide. She reminded me a lot of Erykah Badu in regards to her appearance and essence. I was standing in front of her, and next to me was this guy, probably around the same age as me. He was talking to another male spirit guide.

The male spirit guide had a very regal, masculine look. He had long, dark hair and darker, tanned skin. He was sitting on a throne while the guy next to me was talking to him. As I stood in front of the woman spirit guide, I started talking to her, quite fast, too. I had a lot to say. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I remember that she stopped me mid-sentence. She said that I was not to refer to myself as “I.”

I tried to process exactly what she meant by that, but I had no clue. I decided to try addressing myself as someone else. I chose to address myself as my mom. I talked to her again, and instead of saying “I,” I said “my mom.” That apparently wasn’t satisfactory either. Instead, she told me to address myself as “the world.”

What I understood from her saying this was that I was supposed to address myself as humanity—as the collective—instead of just addressing myself as an individual. I found that very interesting. It was almost as if this spirit guide, this being, couldn’t lower her frequency enough to match the individual human. She had to talk to the whole consciousness of planet Earth—the mind of Earth—as one. I was possibly a conduit for the collective consciousness of planet Earth.

After she told me to address myself as the world, I asked my first question. We walked—there was no ground really, we were just kind of walking in the air—and there was this temple in front of me. I projected my consciousness onto this temple, and the words of my question appeared on the side of it. It read: “When you lose your virginity, do you become impure?”

I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of, “None of that matters. It’s something that has no relevance; there’s no reason for this concept of purity and virginity to exist.”

I understand why purity and virginity are values that society has. Sex has only been seen as its negative side- its possibility to be used as manipulation, a way to objectify and devalue others, etc. Because of this limited mindset, the only way someone could be a good or positive person was if they stayed a virgin.

In reality, everything has a negative side and a positive side. Sex does have a really good side- it can be used to deeply connect with others and spirit through love in the most profound way. People don’t understand or know this positive side to sex because it has been manipulated and twisted for so long. I myself am rewriting my relationship with sex; there’s a lot of deep shame and guilt that I carry with it. If you flinched or brushed off or tried to avoid this section at all in any way, you probably have some deep negativity tied up with sex as well. We all do, it’s in our DNA at this point.

This is why the spirit guide said that the importance of losing one’s virginity and purity was such an impertinent issue. With a more expanded mindset, people can see and know both the positive and negative sides of sex and can choose to have a more positive experience with it. With this, the current views of virginity and purity can dissipate because they will no longer be needed.

As she answered my question, we continued walking past the temple, and as we walked past it, the temple crumbled and fell, along with my question written on it.

We continued walking on air until we entered—or more like appeared in—this other temple-like space. It had tiled flooring, vases on display, and pillars on the inside holding it up. It was very beautiful. We stopped walking and I asked her if she had any spiritual practices; if there was anything like a church where she’s from, and what it’s like.

She gave me an impression that was so far beyond what the human mind could understand. The closest thing was a megachurch-like situation, where there were crowds of people singing and playing music together, but that was still so far off from what she had impressed upon me.

We continued walking through this temple. Throughout this whole time, and especially at this point, I felt very sinful; very gross being around her. She had such a pure frequency about her that it reflected all of my shame that I held inside of me—all of my insecurity, my uncertainty, and my unworthiness. In my personal relationships, I am used to making negative ties with people because I relate to the negativity within them. With this higher being, I couldn’t project my negativity onto her because she had none of it inside herself, so she acted as a mirror. The negativity and darkness in me reflected right off of her and bounced right back to me, so I could see it all so clearly.

I asked her, “Why would you even talk to me when I’m such a low vibrational being?”

She didn’t answer my question. She walked off into the distance and disappeared. And that’s when I woke up.

After waking, I understood that she left after that question because that question in itself was too low vibrational for her. It came from the place of my insecurity and my feeling of being unworthy to be around such a being that was so high vibrational—so clean, so pure, so radiant.

Now, when I say that the question was too low vibrational for her, I don’t mean that she just dismissed me and walked off because she didn’t like me and thought I wasn’t worthy to be around her. She walked off and didn’t answer the question because she was incapable of answering it. She could not engage in discourse with my insecurity and feelings of unworthiness because it was so far off from who she was.

This dream left me with a lot more questions than answers, but I was able to understand my own negative emotions and polarity more deeply. I hope you got something from it, too.

As I was taking a walk in the park today, I was thinking about my life path—trying to be okay with where I am, trying to figure out what to do next, and how to know which steps to take next. I’ve been having a tough time with big life decisions… do I take big risks and possibly get huge rewards, or do I play it more safe? As I was thinking about all of this, I remembered a dream that I had last night. I was diving inside one of my favorite video games called Dave the Diver.

I started to swim through these little whirlpools, these white whirlpool portals. I swam through them because I was curious to see what was on the other side. I swam through one, I swam through two, until I got to the other side. I was in the vast ocean, and it was beautiful. Different fish were swimming by, there were octopi—octopuses, I don’t know how to say the plural of octopus (haha). There were whales, there was an orca, and so many more beautiful creatures.

I started to create bigger and more majestic sea animals in this ocean. They started to appear; I was creating them there with my mind. And then I swam toward this humongous octopus—it was insanely huge, think those scary, AI thalassophobia ocean videos—and I started swimming toward it. I got really scared (obviously), but I was just so curious about it. So I started swimming up toward it, and there was this button there, like in the video game, that said that I could fight it.

I was way too scared to fight it. I decided to swim away from it, even though I was really curious about it and really wanted to see what it was about. I was too afraid, so I decided not to fight it and swam off. I collected some seaweed and was in the more pleasant areas where there were mermaids, other really beautiful fish, coral, seaweed—it was just a beautiful scenery. And then the dream changes, and I’m outside.

As I remembered this whole dream that I had about the ocean and these creatures, I realized that I can look at my own life as a video game. I can gain skills, level up these skills, and understand what skills I need in order to take the next step forward to eventually defeat this boss that I was so afraid of.

How that relates more specifically to my life now is that I can gain these skills of business, money management, music creation, performance, etc., to eventually defeat this final boss of becoming a huge artist and doing huge live performances. Right now, I can focus on just getting to the next step and gaining the next skill that I need to move to the next biggest boss, instead of just focusing on the biggest boss and trying to get there directly without leveling myself up.

It’s almost like when you’re in a video game and you’re only on the first one or two levels. It’s like in the game Dragon Quest that I used to play. You can walk on this bridge, and inside the ditch underneath the bridge, there are these monsters that are like level 60. They’re huge monsters, they look really scary, and you’re only at level one.

What I was doing in real life was feeling like I should jump down that bridge and face those monsters right there, and that I should be able to do it, but also feeling way too afraid to do it. So I’ve been perpetually stuck in this situation where I’m standing on this bridge, too afraid to fight the level 60 monster down below with me being at level one, and not continuing my life. I’ve just been stuck there and thinking that the only two options are either that I jump down there and fight those monsters right now, or I stay up here and never fight them and never get a chance to fight them.

In reality, what I should be doing is just walking across the bridge to my next level one, level two monsters, so that I can gain more skills and experience, and enjoy the journey of defeating the next largest monster until I can fight those level 60 monsters.

So through all of this, I realized that seeing my life as a video game is the best way for me to view life right now—for me to be happy, and grow consistently, and actually reach where I want to get to.

As I figured that out as I was walking on this track at the park, thinking about how I should approach my life as a video game, a hawk was sitting on this really small tree a little ways ahead of me. I ended up walking right past it, and it was about eye level with me. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to a hawk.

In that moment, I realized that I’m finally viewing my life from a higher perspective, as my guides—as life—have been trying to tell me through tarot, through other ways.. Life’s been trying to tell me to see my life from a higher perspective, but I haven’t been able to do so until now—until I saw my life as a video game and recognized that I need to gain skills gradually, and defeat gradually larger bosses, or larger tasks, to get to my main goals.

I’ve seen this hawk circling above the park for years, standing on large tree tops. Now I’m finally eye-level with the hawk.

Hi. In this post I’ll be talking about my ego death experience from this past month and how it changed my career trajectory and my outlook on the concept of having a “career” as a whole.

I’ve been pursuing music as a career for years now, but it’s never totally worked out. I’ve spent so many hours researching how to grow a social media following, the best strategies for releasing music, and so much more. I’ve tried “grinding” and “hustling,” and after a couple of weeks (or less), I would just totally give up on it.

My body knows that I cannot survive in hustle culture (hence the giving up), but I thought that I needed to approach a career single-mindedly in this way to be “successful.”

Now I’m at a place where I don’t even think about the concept of a career, and instead just live doing what I want in every moment.

My mindset shift started when I took a step back from making music. I was feeling so resistant to streaming, making music, and editing videos. So I took a break and spent some time in contemplation, sitting in silence and listening. It wasn’t as peaceful as it sounds, though. No, it never is. I was struggling hard.

After a couple of days, there was a moment where I fully let go and surrendered. I was alone in the car on the way to get dinner, and I said, “I don’t know what to do. I give up.” In that moment ,I realized that I needed to give up music.

I broke down crying. I thought to myself, “all these years of practicing production, songwriting, and multiple instruments, all for it to get thrown in the trash? Was this really all for nothing?”

Although it was hard, I knew I had to give up the idea of pursuing music, or even engaging with music at all for the time being, in order for me to approach it differently in the future, if it was meant to come back into my life at all.

I just knew I couldn’t be pursuing music in the same way that I always had. And I didn’t know what a different way looked like at the time. There were a lot of unknowns.

I did know one thing, though. It was that I had a passion for the mystical. I had been studying psychology, philosophy, and digging into the nature of reality for years undercover. I did have a few conversations about these things with people over the years, but I mostly kept it hidden.

So around the same time I was letting go of music, I was also feeling a strong call to finally share this spiritual perspective and journey online. I thought to myself that it was finally time for me to “come out” as an energy worker. I’ve known that I’m a healer and can work with subtle energy fields, so I thought that maybe I was being called to go into a different career, one that felt more aligned, but that I was afraid to follow before.

So here I was. Transitioning from one career to another, still thinking about life in a career-driven way, although still making progress by facing my fears. But still. The career thing had to go, as you’ll read next.

A few more days into pursuing this energy healer identity and career direction, I had a very strong moment that signified the beginning of an ego death. I was talking with my sister about how I felt responsible for people, and she hit me with, “Why does it have to be you?”

This triggered a realization that I felt I was the only one who could be there for others. I? No, my ego. I was seeing that my ego thought it was so important that if I left people, they wouldn’t be ok without me. This is obviously not true, but the ego likes to perpetuate itself by making itself seem important in this kind of way.

This realization was just the trigger to a more complete ego-death situation. I was seeing how my ego had been forming out of my need to feel like a whole and complete person, and I was doing this by trying to attach myself to singular identities. If I could just identify myself as a musician, then maybe I could know my place in the world. If I could just identify myself as an energy worker, then maybe I could fit in with a community of people and feel like I belong. If I could just identify myself as an artist, then maybe I’ll finally think well of myself… and on, and on, and on. I felt that having a solid identity would solve my uncomfortable state of being and heal the parts of me that felt incomplete. Instead, these identities were just bandages.

Because of all of this, my career wasn’t just shifting to another career anymore- the idea of even having a career at all was melting. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing anymore. My ego was holding onto the pride and safety of having these career identities – be it a healer, a musician, a teacher, etc., but I let it all go. I let it all die with the wind. I wasn’t anything anymore. I was only the void of being alive.

This gave me profound freedom to live in the moment and do whatever I wanted to do. Every day, in each quiet moment, I would ask myself: “What do I feel like doing right now?” And I still do that now. Sometimes it means filming a video. Sometimes it means editing a song. Sometimes it means writing a blog post like this one. Instead of thinking about “being something-” an artist, a writer, a musician- and doing whatever I think that kind of person would or should do, I just sit back and laugh and let it go. Because I just am. And I just do what feels good in the moment, no matter where it takes me.

I wish this kind of freedom for anyone who resonates with my story and feels pulled to live life in this way. If you are happy being and doing one thing, then that’s great. This message isn’t for you. But if you are trying to be one thing and pursue one thing and you are feeling frustration and resistance from it… then go against societal conditioning by releasing the need to be any one thing and instead just do what lights your heart up in the moment. Trust in who you are. You’re pulled to do so many different things because that’s who you’re supposed to be. So go live that life already!

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If you want me to expand on any concepts that I talk about in this post, or have any other questions, let me know in the comments below. 🙂